Life has been happening and I haven’t been blogging about it. For that, I apologize but I am here, right now. At least for the moment. This subject has been rolling around in my mouth and my head for a couple of weeks. I finally had to make myself sit down and put this in black and white. The subject is self-doubt. It has been a major thorn in my side, as of late. It has been professionally mostly but it has started to bleed into my personal life. I try my best to be as transparent when I struggle with certain issues. It is always my hope that someone can find help in what I am saying or even share similar experiences. I have narrowed down 3 personal root causes for my self-doubt.
- What I say to myself. What I say to myself is so much worse than any words that an enemy could stream together. I have to literally talk to myself on a daily basis, reminding myself how awesome I am, how much hard work I do. I say this, not to sound prideful but I realize that I can be really judgmental of myself. I use to critique myself constantly. “Did I laugh too loud?” Was that joke inappropriate?” “Can people tell that I don’t know what the heck I’m doing?” I also have the hardest time validating my accomplishments. If you were to look at my life, in the natural, I am not supposed to have gained the success that I have. When I am reminded of the great successes I have attained, I sometimes feel like it is a fluke and maybe luck made it happen, instead of my faith, hard work, and determination.
- Seeking approval of other’s opinions. This has shown up more in my professional life. I think I’ve shared in a past blog post, that I was promoted to a position about a year ago. It is a position in which I work closely with my supervisor and I have people in positions under me. I am also understanding of all the pressure that my supervisor has on her. I do my best to be proactive and to lighten her load, when and where I see fit. I take my position seriously and have taken the lead on things, either to see my involvement down played or not given the due responsibility I feel I’ve earned. I’ve tried hard not to become bitter or pander to it but I am also a recovering people pleaser. I want people to notice how hard I’ve work or the extra hours I’ve put in to make something a success but when all I hear is crickets, I’ve taken it personally.
- Allowing myself to engage in behavior that is unbecoming of myself. People get on my nerves. Not everybody, but a few people really grinds my gears (Peter Griffin Voice). They do things that I perceive are malicious and if given the opportunity could add blemishes to my work reputation. I have friends outside of my work that I vent to but sometimes I make the grave mistake of talking to untrustworthy coworkers. I know, I know. I am just breaking codes, left and right. I have found out that these people are not to be trusted. They are the truest forms of instigators. They get a bone and they will run it down to hell. I know who they are and I know that what their potential of destruction is. I have to stay true to myself and not engage in this behavior. It leaves a nasty feeling on my spirit that never bodes well.
It felt good being able to record these thoughts that has been whirling. I am doing my best daily to not beat up on myself and I realize that every day is a new day to begin again.
How do you deal with self doubt? Negative situations at work?
Until Next Time,
The older I get, the more things I notice about myself and others. I notice that I say,’ ‘I’m Sorry’ A LOT; Almost as a greeting. Examples: excuse the background, or excuse the stuff on my front seat or apologize for an autocorrect error (Darn Autocorrect). I’ve noticed that when people get in my car, unless you the bestie, I usually preface the entering of my car by saying, “Excuse the mess.”
There has been times recently when I apologize for things I shouldn’t be apologizing for. For the last couple of years, I’m usually the youngest employee at whatever company I’m currently working for. I do my best to be a helpful and dependable team member. This usually gets noticed by the higher ups. Recently, that has led to a promotion. With the promotion came more responsibilities and having a leadership role over others. I have mentioned in a previous blog post that sometimes being young can lead others to test boundaries with me, which in turn has led me to test boundaries of my own 😉 During this time, I found when myself apologizing for how people were perceiving the words that came out of my mouth. I had to take a step back and realize that I shouldn’t be apologizing for a statement or action if I know that the intent was not meant to be malicious. How tiring is it to make sure that every word you say doesn’t offend a person or rub them the wrong way??
I would have to take a perpetual vow of silence.
When I really started to analyze my frequency of apologizing, I began to wonder if this was more a women issue that men. I honestly don’t see men apologizing on a regular basis. Is it engrained in women, in general, to not want to upset anyone, to not make anyone mad???
I’ve seen some of my social media friends apologize or feel the need to explain any background or picture that is not perfect. Damn That. I am not perfect. My car is not detailed on a regular basis. My hair doesn’t always stand up Kid’N Play-ish like I would prefer all the time.
I am imperfect. Like it or stroll on. I am in love with who I’m becoming which mean I have to be okay with what’s real. Trying to be perfect is an illusion and damn tiring.
How often do you apologize in a day??
Growing, Stretching, Day by Day.
Until Next Time,
If you have a stomach ache, it is common knowledge that people will tell you to take a Tum or drink Pepto Bismal.
If you have a headache, people may ask if you have been eating too much salty food and tell you to take a pain pill.
You get diagnosed with Diabetes and the doctor wants to start you on an Insulin regime and get some of that weight off of your frame.
You have a panic attack back to back in a matter of two weeks and most likely (unfortunately) the response may be, “Let Go and Let God.”
This is a problem in the African American community.
Let me start off by saying that I love the Lord because he heard my cry **inserts bless up hands emoji** but our mental health is just as and sometimes more important than our physical health. If we as a community don’t see the importance of being mentally healthy, I feel we continue to repeat ourselves. Life is hard. Living life on life’s term can sometimes feel unbearable. I see so much strength in people who can admit that they have mental health issues and are actively seeking help for it.
I ponder on the reasons on why as African Americans, we deny having mental health problems. Is it because they don’t want to be described as being weak or crazy? Is it because they feel that they have so much else going on that admitting to having anxiety or depression seems like an excuse?
The reason I wanted to start a series, Wellness Wednesdays, on my blog was to emphasize the need for self care and shed light on Mental Health. I had planned for a different topic today but reading about Kid Cudi http://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2016/10/05/kid-cudi-facebook-rehab-depression-anxiety-suicidal-urges/91588300/ made me feel like this was the right time to discuss this topic.
I have mentioned this before in my blog post but I suffer from anxiety. It has robbed me of years of happiness having replaced it with incessant worry and self doubt. I am learning to cope with it and I do use medication to help. I am not ashamed of it, just like I am not ashamed to take pills for high blood pressure, my breast cancer, and iron deficiency. I am better because I have come to grips with it. I am happier because I have accepted me for me and I work daily on me.
Take care of your mental health like you take care of that stomach ache. Don’t ignore it.
Listed below are resources:
Until Next Time,